


I Always Look Back When I Leave

by cowchop



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Coping, F/F, F/M, Fuck the Russos honestly, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Marvel better fix this or ima pop ALL THE WAY AWF, Nat is a Lesbian like HELLO, Queen Shuri, Relationships besides SteveBucky are minor and very in the background, Shuri is a Real Life Angel, fuck thanos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 20:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14456952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowchop/pseuds/cowchop
Summary: Please be warned that there are spoilers for Infinity War in this. I tried to tag it appropriately so those that haven't seen the movie yet won't get blindsided by this. If you still see this despite that then don't look any further!All it took was a snap of his fingers and it tore Steve's entire world apart. But, he wasn't the only one. With their lives completely uprooted and destroyed, the remaining few have to turn to each other in order to pick up the pieces.





	I Always Look Back When I Leave

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so ... I was extremely inspired and absolutely HEARTBROKEN over Infinity War so I decided to turn my fuckin' angst into a little post IW fic. To be honest, I haven't stopped crying so if this doesn't make sense then just know I suffered through it so cut me some slack! If you like this 'lil clusterfuck then maybe drop me some kudos or comments or both idk a bih needs validation!

They lost; lost more than they could have _ever_ imagined. This job, if it can even be called that, has never been easy. But Steve has never hated it more. There’s a whirlwind of emotions all swirling around in his body, but he feels nothing. He’s **numb**. He sinks to the ground, fingers digging into the dirt where everything that’s ever meant something to him has vanished, and stares. He’s vaguely aware of Nat approaching from behind, her presence a familiar comfort, but even that isn’t enough. Not this time.  
  
“Oh, God.”

The words sound so foreign, so far away, even though they’ve come from his own mouth. He doesn’t recognize them. His chest heaves up and down, tightening with every breath, and he feels all but whole. He’s still here, real as ever, but he might as well have just disintegrated all the same. Every piece of him has been shattered and spread out over the now war-torn grounds of Wakanda. Okoye’s frantic voice pulls him from his stupor and he looks up just as she enters his field of vision. The usually well put together warrior is distraught and the sight alone would be enough to make his blood run _cold_ if he wasn’t already frozen to the spot.

He doesn’t hear her words, but he can read her lips; T’Challa is gone. Another friend to add to the list. It takes every fiber of his being, all of his willpower, just to push himself to his full height. But he does it. He swallows hard as he glances around him at all the people left standing. His eyes water at the sight, but he quickly wipes away any trace of weakness. He’s a captain and he has to be strong for his team. A lump catches in his throat but he forces himself to speak.

“Sam?”

In any other instance the name would be almost inaudible, but in the quiet around them it’s oh so very loud. He looks to Rhodey, pleading silently with him, but he only receives a tiny shake of his head in response. Steve looks away, eyes averting to the ground. How many more are gone? He sniffles, clears his throat, and raises his head high. The illusion of being okay is better than having a breakdown. They just don’t have the time for that right now. He steps forward without another word and begins retracing his steps.

“ _Steve_.” Natasha says, voice gentle.

It would have been less painful for her to strike him over the head with a bat, repeatedly. All he can hear is Bucky’s panicked annunciation of his name before he fell apart and disappeared completely. Steve can’t even look at her, look at any of them, so he keeps moving. He doesn’t have to go far until he comes upon the spot where his best friend’s gun is lying prone in the dirt. Just another reminder that he’s really gone. He bends down to one knee, dragging his fingers through the area where he was last seen, and grabs the weapon.

They don’t even have bodies to bury or time to grieve. When he turns around, he’s unsurprised to find that everyone has followed him. They’re all **lost**. Everything they’ve ever known has been uprooted and destroyed. No one knows what to do.

“Can you do something for me?” he asks, locking eyes with Okoye.

It takes a moment for her to realize that he’s talking to her, but she eventually nods and squares her shoulders. While it remains unspoken, they all know that they can’t just continue to stand around.

“Gather anyone who’s left and meet us back at the lab. Rhodey, Bruce … you help. Nat and Thor will come with me. We’ll find Shuri.” he explains.

His heart constricts painfully at the name and while he prays that she’s alive, he dreads having to deliver the news that her brother is gone. She deserves better, deserves more than that. It isn’t fair but, then again, he supposes nothing is. Steve glances over his shoulder one last time as if he’s expecting everyone to magically appear again. He shouldn’t be disappointed when they don’t, but he can’t stop the sorrow from bubbling up.

He closes his eyes briefly, sucks in a deep breath, and lets it out in the form of a sigh. When he reopens them, Okoye, Rhodey, and Bruce are all gone and he has to remind himself that they’ll be back. He really can’t lose anyone else. They all need each other more now than ever. When he takes that first step away from the battlefield, it feels more like betrayal than anything. But there’s no other choice. Steve would carry every single one of their bodies out with him if he could.

The journey from inside the overgrown trees to the lab is suffocating. Everything is just so … _empty_. And the air holds an overbearing sense of grief and dread. Steve doesn’t even question it when they come across a raccoon that Thor both calls a rabbit and a friend. Apparently his name is Rocket. He won’t admit it but, in the moment, he doesn’t care. None of them speak.

He doesn’t need to, but Steve holds a finger up to his lips as they pass over the threshold separating them from the lab. There’s damage everywhere, but the silence is deafening. He straightens his back and readjusts the gun in his hands. He leads with the weapon, turning one corner then the next, but he finds nothing. Until there’s a warning shot. A blast of kinetic energy blows a hole in the wall to his left, but he pays it no mind. His head snaps toward the source and his features melt.

“Captain Rogers?”

Shuri’s voice is so small, but it’s tinted with the tiniest hint of relief. Her body slumps against the wall, her head canted backwards as she wipes blood from the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. He can’t help it, he rushes toward her, setting his weapon on the floor and reaching out for her. It doesn’t matter the short time they’ve known each other, Steve knew the minute that he met her that he would lay his life on the line for her. Not that she needs protection. She may only be a teenager but she’s hands down the most intelligent person he’s ever met. And he likes to think he’s encountered his fair share of those. With a small smile, one filled with thankfulness and sadness, she places a hand on his shoulder and they meet in the middle for a hug.

He squeezes her tightly, eyes closing as his chin rests on her shoulder. She doesn’t say anything more, but it’s apparent that she somehow knows that her brother is gone. He can feel the shaky exhales of breath and how she’s clinging to him in a way that’s screaming for the smallest bit of comfort. And he gives that to her. It’s the least he can do. They hold one another for what feels like an eternity, but it still ends too soon.

When the pair gathers themselves and stands upright, Ayo makes her presence known. There are many introductions to go around, but no one makes the first move in doing so. They just accept that now isn’t the time. There are more important things to worry about. Ayo departs just as quickly as she arrives after talking with Thor and Nat, making her way out onto the battlefield to help retrieve any wandering souls.

“Go ahead.” Steve says softly, flashing Nat a small smile.

She doesn’t even need to say anything because he knows what she’s thinking. He’d be thinking the same if he hadn’t seen Bucky disappear right before his eyes. In times like these, you just want to know that your loved ones are safe; you just want to hear your partner’s voice. And it’s not like she needs his permission, but she does need a friend to let her know that it’s okay. It’s okay for her to put herself first and seek some sort of solace in all this destruction.

She reciprocates with a smile of her own, though it’s wobbly and obvious that she’s barely holding it together. Natasha reaches out and gives Steve’s arm a squeeze before stepping off to the side. He continues watching for a moment as she brings up her COMS and presses a finger to the piece in her ear. It feels a bit like intruding, but he just can’t look away. Even if one person is granted something to hold onto then that will be enough. It has to be.

“Sharon?”

Nat says her girlfriend’s name with such relief and love that a piece of Steve’s heart fits itself back together again. The blonde in front of him is usually so well composed that it’s rare to see her express any type of emotion other than determination. He stops himself from getting choked up when a tear slips down her cheek and she whispers “I love you,” and “Please stay safe,” before he realizes that he’s staring. He turns away.

Rhodey offers all of the remaining people of Wakanda a place in Avengers Tower, but they respectfully decline. They won’t leave their home and they need to start rebuilding. There aren’t many of them left but M’Baku, Okoye, and Ayo vow to help Shuri every step of the way. Steve and Nat decide to stay for awhile, doing everything they can to aid Queen Shuri in her quest to start again. Pepper gets into contact with them a couple of days later and reveals that Tony is still missing. The obvious deduction is that he’s dead, but she refuses to believe that. Thor and Rocket decide to attempt a venture back into space in search of anything that may be of use. Apparently, there are Guardians of the Galaxy and it’s kind of an all hands on deck situation.

As the days wear on though, the more they learn of who and what they’ve lost. It takes time but, contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t even begin to heal their wounds. Steve oftentimes finds himself alternating between shutting off his thoughts completely and sobbing into his pillow at night. He tells himself that it’ll get easier, but he can’t will himself to believe it. Right now, it feels like nothing will ever be fine again. Two weeks later, after Nat has returned to New York, Shuri pulls him aside. Despite her busy schedule as Queen, she has never once faltered as a friend.

“In our culture, death is not the end.” Shuri explains, the pair falling in step as they make the trek through long corridors. “It’s more of a stepping off point. You reach out with both hands and Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into a green veld where you can run forever.”

Steve turns his head toward her, but doesn’t interrupt. It’s crazy to him that someone so young can have so much wisdom. He’s an old man, over a hundred years old at this point, and even _he_ doesn’t have a grasp on that type of insight.

“And do you believe that?”

“Yes.” she replies confidently, her smile igniting a flicker of **hope** inside him.

He supposes there’s no harm in believing that their loved ones are somewhere better. They deserve it after all. The selfish part of him wishes he could be there sharing it with them though. And an even bigger part of him wonders why he was left behind. Was it punishment for something? What gave him the right to keep living when that very same thing had been taken from so many around him?

“Don’t beat yourself up over this.” she says, like she can somehow read his mind. He vaguely wonders if maybe she really can. “This wasn’t your fault. Or anyone’s for that matter.” she assures him as the twin doors in front of them open. “Well, except for the big dude’s. It was _definitely_ his fault.”

He smiles slightly at that, following her blindly out onto the grass. They stop just a few steps in and look out over the expanse of green. It’s hard to believe that this very spot was a battlefield only a couple of weeks ago.

“I can’t help thinking that I could’ve done something different. Something to stop it.” he admits.

“I understand.”

And he finds consolation in the truth that she does. After a moment, she motions her head to the left and he follows. He recognizes the path immediately and his breath catches in his throat. He hasn’t been back out this way since everything went down and he knows he isn’t ready. But he goes because if he doesn’t face it then it’ll never get better.

“It’s okay to not be okay, Captain Rogers.”

“I told you to call me Steve, Queen.”

“And I told you to call me Shuri.” she shoots back with a quirked brow. He smiles.

As they continue their trek, he notices what looks like hundreds of flowers in vivid colors growing alongside their path as if they’re leading to something. He can’t take his eyes off of the yellows, the whites, and the reds. It looks beautiful and there’s something peaceful about it; something _calming_.

“You know, I admire you Cap — _Steve_ ,” she corrects, “it is so easy for the world to become the enemy when you lose what you love. But you’ve taken your loss and turned it into hope. We will use this to better ourselves, to become stronger, and to find peace.”

He’s so intent on listening to her words that he doesn’t even realize they’ve stopped walking until Shuri’s lips are no longer moving. There’s a small smile resting on her face and he follows her line of sight until he sees what she’s looking at. It nearly knocks the breath right out of him and his legs move forward on their own accord. Laid out before him is a beautiful display of arches and flowers and handmade gifts. There’s a circular area in the middle of the dirt made up of stone with a pathway that leads under one of the arches covered in vines.

Steve slowly begins walking, allowing his gaze to soak up the sights around him. He reaches out and touches a flower, a drawing of the stars, and handcrafted wings before continuing on. Through the arch, he can see the marks in the ground _**(** gravestones if you will **)**_ that signify someone they’ve lost. Being the person that she is, Shuri has made it so everyone has a place to grieve. Even those that neither of them knew. He reads the names as he goes: Drax, Mantis, Peter Quill, Gamora, Stephen Strange, Groot, Heimdall, and even Loki.

Vision and Wanda’s memorials are placed side by side. Steve bends down and closes his eyes, sending his apologies and hopes that they’re together out into the world. Next to them is Peter Parker. Steve can’t even bring himself to pretend like a tear doesn’t slip out. He was just a kid with so much life to live. He should have never been involved with any of this and now he’s gone. When he approaches T’Challa’s, he glances over his shoulder at Shuri and she gives him an encouraging smile. He silently thanks the former King for his kindness and his willingness to give his life for those that he owed no debt. He saves Sam and Bucky for last; Sam first though.

A barely there touch on his arm causes him to nearly jump out of his skin and his head snaps to the side with such force that he swears he gives himself whiplash. Standing there, like always, is Shuri’s friendly face as she hands him two flowers; one yellow and one white. He doesn’t even need to say anything, she knows just how thankful he is. He grips the stems a little too tight in his hands as he bends down and places the yellow atop his friend’s memorial.

Sam Wilson — oh, the things he could say. And none of them would do the man justice. After getting out of the ice, Sam was the first person that Steve really connected with. He was exactly what he needed _when_ he needed it. He could never put into words how much that meant to him. He was so lonely, a soldier out of time, and Sam really was his beacon; he was that light at the end of the tunnel. He was truly like seeing the sun come up after forty years of just rain. He hopes that he knew just how much he meant to him. He wishes he had the chance to say it himself.

Steve swallows the lump in his throat and wipes unshed tears from his eyes. It’s one thing to lose a best friend, but to lose two? On the same day? That’s unheard of. But Bucky … Bucky wasn’t _just_ his best friend. The two of them were inseparable from the time they were children all the way up until they fought wars together. Having to watch him die once was devastating; having to watch him die twice, well, he’s not so sure there’s ever a normal after that. And, just like the last, he doesn’t even have a body to bury. You see, the thing about him and Bucky is that they’re soulmates in every form of the word. He’s loved him since he met him and he mentally scolds himself for never having the courage to say it.

What was he so afraid of anyway? It was Buck — _his Bucky_. He would never judge Steve or make him feel as though his affection was unimportant. For all the time they had, it still wasn’t enough. His hand shakes as he places the white flower down on the memorial of the White Wolf. He doesn’t realize how hard he’s crying until Shuri’s hands cup his face and turn him towards her. Her eyes are soft, face tender.

“He is not gone.” she assures him, pressing her index finger into the skin covering his heart. “As long as he lives in there, he will **never** die.”

He can’t help it, he breaks down. Shuri lets him. She wraps her arms around him in a warm hug and lets him cry into her shoulder. They stay just like that for hours until the night settles over them like a blanket and they have no other choice but to retreat inside. He dreams of Bucky when he finally cries himself to sleep. He screams for him until his throat is raw, but he doesn’t make it on time. His fingertips brush the uniform covering his torso and then he just slips away. Shuri shakes him awake and holds him until he can breathe again.

It doesn’t take him long to figure out that she’s much stronger than him. She’s like the little sister he never had and another beacon of hope in a time he needs it most. He wants so badly to give back to her, but doesn’t know how other than to help around Wakanda with anything she needs. His nights alternate from dreaming about Bucky falling from a train to Bucky vanishing into thin air. Each time he wakes up screaming, sweat beading on his brow, and with Shuri offering a shoulder to cry on. Weeks, _months_ , pass by in a blur but each day he gets stronger. Each day he finds more and more reason to continue forward. He spends a lot of time with the kids and comes to find out that they were the ones who built the memorials. Another piece of his broken heart fits itself back together.

His grief eventually becomes an anchor and he finds himself getting used to the weight. Seven months after they’ve taken their biggest blow, Steve leaves Wakanda to attend Pepper and Tony’s wedding. Strangely, the ceremony is kept small and private instead of prodigious and extravagant. He doesn’t say much, but he’s thankful to be there. He’s grateful for the ones he has. Everything starts to fall apart at the reception though. He speaks to Peter’s guardian, May, and it’s obvious the toll that his death has taken on her. She looks about one tear away from crossing the line of no return.

When they part, he calls Shuri and the two of them devise a plan to help her. She deserves closure and comfort just as much as they do. Later, Nat and Sharon approach him with their own good news; they’re getting married. He’s happy for them, over the moon, he really is. But it starts to chip away at all the pieces he’s worked so hard to put together again. He finds himself standing at the alter while they all party into the night. He can’t stop thinking about how he’ll never have this with the person he loves most. Though he does smile to himself when he thinks about what Bucky would say if he tried to put a flower in his hair. In his mind, Steve argues that it makes him look pretty but, then again, Bucky always does.

He looks over his shoulder at the dance floor as Tony dips Pepper and he can’t help but imagine that it’s him and Bucky. They’re smiling, so happy that they have tears in their eyes. Sam is there too, snapping pictures of the pair with a smile so big that it makes up his entire face. It’s perfect which is how he knows for sure that it isn’t real. He closes his eyes tightly, counts down from ten in his head, and walks right out the door. He spends a few days in Brooklyn, visiting what’s left of his childhood home and the old park where he and Bucky first met.

Like the real life angel that she is, Shuri checks in with him everyday and sends him memes. He had no idea what that even meant, but he’s gotten the hang of it now and even sends her some back. She keeps telling him that he’s not ready for vines, but she has a whole bunch ready to send his way when the time comes. Steve honestly had no idea she was so into plants. As the days pass, he finds his footing again but he isn’t afraid to admit that it’s hard. He still slips up and has bad days. Hell, there’s more nights that he’s had nightmares than dreamless sleep. But, he’s getting better.

Loss is difficult, but it’s the remaking of one’s life that really puts a person to the test. Steve ends up renting an apartment close to his old home and slowly begins decorating it with pictures that he’s drawn. He finds that art helps soothe his aching heart and he begins to wonder why he ever gave it up in the first place. Him and Shuri begin facetiming every other night.

“Ooh, I got it!” she snaps her fingers. “Footloose!”

“What?!” Steve exclaims, dropping his arms to his side as a laugh escapes his mouth. “How’d you get that? You’re definitely cheating.”

“Okay, one, how could I be cheating?” she questions, motioning around her and hinting at the obvious fact that she’s in Wakanda and he’s in Brooklyn. “And, two, I told you I was a pro at charades. I warned you!”

“Yeah, yeah.” he waves her off, bending down to stare into the camera of his phone. “I still think you’re cheating.”

On the one year anniversary of what was arguably the worst day of their collective lives, Steve finds himself looking at an entirely different person in the mirror. He’s not better or worse for the loss, but he is a little more grateful for those that he has. Lifting his hand, he carefully cleans up his beard and trims his hair. Sometimes he thinks he should cut it and revert back to his clean shaven look. But he’s found that he doesn’t really want to. He likes who he’s becoming and he’s happy. It’s a far cry from where he was this time last year, but it’s a good reminder of how far he’s come.

He’s throwing the final items into his duffel bag when his phone starts vibrating on the kitchen counter. He’s already smiling to himself as he crosses into the room, thinking that it’s Shuri reminding him of his flight time, but his brows furrow upon reading the name that flashes across his screen. _Nick Fury_. He doesn’t have to look at himself to know that all the blood drains out of his face. But maybe that’s to be expected when a ghost rings you from the dead.

His heart picks up speed, thudding against the confines of his chest so hard that he swears his neighbors can hear it. He wipes his sweaty hands on his jeans before picking up the device and sliding his thumb across the screen. He swallows hard, mouth suddenly dry, and places the speaker against his ear. But he can’t find the words to speak.

“Steve Rogers?”

He doesn’t know if it’s a relief or not that the person on the other end definitely isn’t Fury. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He doesn’t know what to say or if he should say anything at all. This could all be a ploy to hurt him and his friends again and he refuses to lose anyone else. He doesn’t know if he’ll survive it next time.

“I know how strange this must all seem, but I need you to listen to me.” she tells him, voice low and confident. “My name is Carol Danvers.”

He repeats the name over and over in his head, but he can’t pair it with a face. He has no idea who she is or what she wants so he does the only thing he can think of to protect himself, to protect the ones he loves; he stays silent.

“And I think we can help each other.”

She has his full attention and his eyes progressively get wider and wider the more he listens. Maybe he’s naive or maybe he’s just desperate, but he finds himself glancing over his shoulder to look at his most recent drawing. Bright, blue eyes stare back at him and he knows instantly that he’s being stupid for even _thinking_ about helping this stranger. But, perhaps, he’s being stupid for the right reasons.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

He hangs up, sliding his phone into the back pocket of his jeans and finishes zipping up his bag. He slings the strap over his shoulder and takes a moment to admire the drawing of Bucky. He remembers, not so long ago, how this very same man told him that if it weren’t for him then there probably wouldn’t be a single person in the world who really understood Steve. And he was right.

“Til the end of the line.” he whispers before bolting out the door.

**Author's Note:**

> If y'all made it this far then ... thanks! Also if you have any suggestions of things I should write then I'm totally up for hearing those. I need a way to get out all my heartbreak until Part II comes out. If I'm not fuckin' DEAD by then smh.


End file.
